Sorry folks, I’m on one today … bear with me, this might get bumpy …
Before we start, however, I want to make it very clear that I do NOT hate children. I love my nephew and all the other kids in my family (and those of close friends). On the whole, I think children are fantastic – as a concept. Unfortunately, the reality is different, and what makes it so are the parents of children. That’s right; I fucking hate parents.
Now, before the parents in my family and circle of friends start hitting the “Comment” link with unbridled rage in their tired eyes, I’d like to stress that I don’t mean all parents, by any means. Mine have always been pretty cool, as are those of my other half and close friends, and those lunatics that make up the rest of my family.
The parents I’m talking about are the ones who just don’t get it …
Parents who think performing a basic biological function of existence makes you special; it doesn’t
Every living creature on this earth has been quite capable of reproduction for the last couple of billion years, and that includes Ebola. That’s right, a virus can do what you do. It doesn’t make you special, get over yourselves … seriously. Do you know what makes a parent special? Raising a good kid; raising someone to give a fuck about the planet and the people in it, and not strut about the place like the world owes them a decent life; someone who sees the value in life, the merits in being responsible for one’s actions, the joy in learning all you can while you’re here, and the ability to find love and beauty wherever it may exist.
Parents who think their kids are special; they’re not
I’m sure they’re pretty special to YOU, but beyond your family and circle of friends, no one gives a fuck. They might as well not exist. This might sound bleak but, in the grand scheme of things, in the infinite vastness of unending universal time, NONE of us are special. Our lives, our endeavours, and all that we are, ultimately amounts to nothing, and the only meaning our lives have are whatever we ascribe to them. Do you know what makes a kid special? Being someone who thinks for themselves, questions everything, and holds an undying curiosity for understanding the universe they live in; someone who remains free of prejudice and intolerance, and sees other people, regardless of age, race, colour, gender, sexuality, or belief, as an opportunity to expand their knowledge and appreciation of the diversity of life within our own species.
Parents who think they have some skill or superiority over the rest of us by virtue of having had children; you don’t
I’m sure you think you’ve done something clever, something that’s beyond the wit of all bar the supremely gifted but, in truth, all you have is the additional experience of having to look after and nurture a being that can’t look after itself. Carers of the extensively disabled will have such experience; people who look after large numbers of animals will be very similar (the only difference is that most children become less dependent over time). “You don’t have kids, do you?” is one of the most obnoxious phrases parents use, and is always employed to terminate a debate in favour of the parent who has exhausted their seemingly limitless supply of unreasonable arguments. Stop using your children as a trump card to cover your ignorance, your intellectual dishonesty, and your monstrously fallacious arguments. Grow up, and quit using your kids as a way to make yourself feel better than the rest of us, because you’re not, and the only way in which you’re likely to be superior is in your ignorance of contraception.
Parents who think they can have as many kids as they want; they can’t.
I know you don’t know this, but the impact of having a child is not entirely localised to you and your immediate family; it’s global. Thousands of acres of land are required to grow the food they will consume in their lifetime, not to mention the tons of waste and pollution they will leave behind. Make no mistake, having a child is the single worst thing the average person can do to the environment. It doesn’t matter how much I throw in a landfill, how many air miles I rack up, or how many electrical appliances I leave on unnecessarily, it will never match the massive amount of damage YOU will do by having a child. Yes, children ARE essential to the survival of the species, but you need to remember that this isn’t 1850; the chances of your kids surviving long enough to reproduce is nigh on 100%, so you don’t need eight of them as insurance against continuing the line. Statistically, you only need 1.1 children to maintain zero population growth and, by the time I’m 50, the world population will have doubled since my birth. If you have more than 2 kids, you are directly contributing to the increasing uninhabitability of this planet (sorry Mum, I know that means you too).
Parents who think that “I love children” is enough to justify having them, or that it’s all that’s required to be a parent; it isn’t
There are serial killers and mass murderers who loved their kids, it doesn’t automatically make you a good parent (nothing does). Of course being loved is vital to the emotional development of a child, but it’s not the only aspect of their upbringing that needs serious attention; they need intellectual, creative and social stimulation, moral guidance, encouragement, and a thousand other things that are as equally important as a good cuddle or two. There are many parents out there who love their children dearly but, for whatever reason, are utterly incapable of looking after them (particularly those parents who are little more than children themselves).
Parents who think that anyone but them has any responsibility for their child; they don’t
TV, movies, books, music, the Internet … there’s not an area of popular culture that isn’t a target for whiny parents who think that it’s up to everyone else to raise their child. If you don’t want your kid to hear bad words on TV or in music, or see nudity and violence in movies and video games, or there’s a book you think they shouldn’t read or website they shouldn’t visit, it’s up to you to stop them. If you can’t, then you suck as a parent. Same goes for parents who sue junk food restaurants for making their kids fat … THEY’RE ONLY THERE BECAUSE YOU TOOK THEM, MOTHERFUCKER! Everything is being dumbed-down, scaled back, diluted, and otherwise ruined because whinging fucking parents can’t look after their own damn kids. The rest of us should not have to have our freedoms limited or removed because of your total fucking laziness to raise your kids yourselves.
This might all sound like unfettered bitching from someone who will probably “never know the joy of having kids” but if you think that even for a second you’ve entirely missed the point. Kids are great … it’s the parents that are the fucking assholes. Children are whatever you make them; if a child grows up bigoted and intolerant, that’s because of you. If they grow up too coddled to ever cope with the realities of life then that’s your fault.
We know that you love your kids, we know you care about them … I’m just saying they’re overrated, and that’s your fault; you’ve made them (as George Carlin put it) into little “cult objects” to be treasured, protected, idolised and worshipped. Get a grip and treat children as they really are … empty shells, waiting to be filled with knowledge and love; beings with infinite potential, just as long as you inspire it in them; they’re the ones who have to clean up our mess, the biggest of which is the mess we created by having so many of them in the first place.